Alter Ego​


I arrived late at night, the city was empty, everything was wet from the rain. I was pissed for having to draf suitcases uphill. Ugh. Somewhere along the way I lost Kiril's cap. When I came to the apartment I smoked a cigarette and fell asleep in the clothes with wet hair. I dreamed. I'm coming to some place, and I went there with some intention. Daytime. Nobody's there. Like a monument, a large area of shallow water paved with white marble. I took something, something for what I came for. At the moment I fell, I lost consciousness. I'm down for a bit but then I get up and my palms burn me. I look at them, on both palms, as drawn, there is a black, thin circle. The skin within the circle is moving. Hole. Suddenly I'm lying on a bed in a darkened room. I'm looking at my nails. They are long but really damaged. A flame comes out of them but I do not know how to use it. I accidentally light a painting on the wall. Hole. A house full of long, narrow corridors. In the corridors a lot of doors. It's evening. My eyes are black in full. I'm going through that corridor. One door opens, a girl in the bedroom peaks a little. She has long, light, curly hair. She looks at me. I'm waving at a little girl, but my hand makes that thing with a black circle on my palm, and my eyes are black. She get’s scared and leaves. That made me sad. I go to my room and lie down on the bed. The palms burn again. In the house was the man who was our guest. He gave me a deep red tablet that looks like it's made of rubber. At first I think I need the tablet to feel better in the new condition, but I quickly realize that it weakens me. It felt as if everyone thinks I'm evil, although I do not have such intentions, but that's how I look.

The next day, I got up and went to find a job. It's impossible to find a job in this city. I constantly read newspapers. It seems as if I hope to read something important to me there, of course, this does not happen. I gave the ad for psychic abilities in hope to earn some money. I decided I will not work with black magic anymore. Unless it’s necessary. I avoid people, I am disgusted by the idea of getting in contact with them. I'm afraid I'll owe them something. Or worse, someone will owe me. People really know how to provoke me, I flee from them, and they are still around. What kind of a curse is that? I started to swear here. And to smoke. This city has strong energy, I feel it often. And it pulls you, you do not even know when it happens.

I sometimes miss home. But I can not think of it, as soon as something reminds me of home I cut it at the root. It will pull me in some sort of destruction, I know. I feel sick. I am unable to forget everything. Then my body is suddenly tired, it becomes weak, and everything burns me from inside. I'm trying to get control of it, but that's just impossible. As soon as my thoughts find a free space in my head, it breaks in, the weakness gets to me. It overtakes me. As if she is lurking, waiting for me to be idle, to peck me in and get to me. Then I say, rest in peace and feel even worse. I realize that I will never rest in peace. And peace, it's heaven. If that destination is unreachable, only one other remains. I prefer not to think of it. Ugh.


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